Full Disclosure: I don’t always like my body.

My first boyfriend was obsessed with my flat stomach.

It was the mid 90’s, I dreamed of going to Warped Tour (which was brand new back then) and Gwen Stefani was my fashion idol. As such my wardrobe was largely made up of carpenter pants and baggy ripped jeans paired with tiny baby doll tees or tanks. Always midriff bearing.

I hadn’t really thought much about my stomach until it became a major point of praise. I was a dancer and I had always been naturally small. My early teenage body was a result of growing up as a competitive dancer.

That first relationship ended as quickly as it had begun but the pattern of my flat stomach being a key attractive point about me stuck around. Praise and compliments were plentiful from men and women alike.

In my late teens I spiraled deeply into an eating disorder, recovered, relapsed, recovered again and eventually moved into full recovery where going backwards into disordered thoughts or behaviors no longer felt like a threat or even a half considered option.

As my weight went down and back up, again and again, my body always put itself back together the same way.

It was amazing to witness. My stomach was always flat and my butt was always round. It became very clear that my body was the body that I was born with and that the game of my life wasn’t supposed be “how can I manipulate my body to be a certain way?” but instead “how can I love my body as it is?”

Choosing to love my body was easy, really feeling it took a bit longer.

I chose to make it a fun process rather than a depressing one. I was ready to have fun and was sick and tired of feeling depressed and anxious.

I started by getting to know my body. Not in an obsessive body checking way, but in a curious way. It was like dating someone new – my body and my mind were in the “getting to know you” phase. Curiosity and intrigue came before “like” which came before “love.”

After making the choice to get to know my body it didn’t take long to fall in love. I found myself in awe of my bodies ability to rebound, thrive, and self renew. I was amazed at how on point my body was as an emotional barometer.

In moments where I couldn’t trust my mind to make the right choice I could lean into how I was physically feeling and find clarity.

I learned that my intuition isn’t so much a “knowing” as it is a “feeling.” 

Many years later I got pregnant and after a physically challenging pregnancy and emergency C-section I found myself with my son and a somewhat different body.

For the first time my stomach is not flat. My butt is still round, but not in the toned way it used to be. My once perky boobs fed my son for over two years and it shows. I’m the same size, but a very different shape.

So here I am, the mama of an almost four year old, and I am back in the “getting to know you” stage with my body. Honestly, I don’t always like it. It’s not that I hate my body – not even close – I just don’t know it like I used to.

What’s different this time is that I’m already in love with my body and moments of not liking it do not impact my sense of self worth. 

It is similar to how my man and I are getting to know each other again as parents. We already love each other, but our relationship isn’t the same as it was when we spent most nights going out to dance and listen to live music.

True love evolves and takes practice. 

I’ve found that I enjoy my body the most when I interact with it.

It seems odd, but it’s easy for most of us to pretty much ignore our bodies most of the time.

How often are you on autopilot when it comes to your relationship with your body? 

We can’t fall in love, or even in like, with someone we ignore — ourselves included.

Just as it’s important to spend quality time with our loved ones, we must spend quality time with our bodies.

For me that means taking time to move. Movement has always been the best way I connect with my body. I don’t move to loose weight, gain muscle, or stay in good physical health.  Although, good health is a pleasant and welcome result.

I move to connect with myself. 

Sometime this movement looks like a walking workout. Sometimes it’s yoga asana. Sometimes it’s Pilates or light strength training, and sometimes it’s playing on the beach.

I think that the key to moving in a healthy way is being sure to move in ways that fuel connection with your body and encourage self love.

Self love should not be dependent on movement though, and for some it takes real vulnerability and honesty to walk that line. 

The same goes for other ways that we can connect with our bodies: our beauty routines, our wardrobes, our sex lives, our food choices…the list goes on.

Everyday we have a million opportunities to deepen our connection with our bodies and fall in love – let’s start taking them!

Now, I want to hear from you.

How is your relationship with your body?

Leave a comment below and let me know what you are doing to fall in love with you body each day. 

As always if you have a friend who may enjoy this essay please share.

Much love,

Katie

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