How long should feelings last?

Last night I was talking to my son, who is 3 years old. He was sad because he had used mean words with his Dad, so his Dad had walked away and left little man and I to do the bedtime routine ourselves.

My son yelled “I’m sorry Dad,” but Brian didn’t come back into the room. He’d had a long day and mean words at bedtime was the last straw.

I found myself trying to explain a few complicated concepts:

1. People don’t always feel better in the time frame that we want them to.
2. It’s okay to be sad.
3. It’s better to feel our feelings and let them evolve than to try to change them or avoid them.

How is it that most of us miss learning these lessons?

Everyday I get emails, texts, or social media messages from readers and students who are struggling with the uncomfortableness of feeling their feelings or expressing their feelings but not getting the response that they’d hoped for.

I get it. I learned these lessons after much pain, suffering, and searching along many paths to find a better way. Even after being established in my practice of feeling my feelings and allowing others to feel theirs it is still difficult.

By definition being uncomfortable means feeling slight pain, discomfort, unease, or awkwardness. It’s not fun. It is part of life. 

The first Noble Truth of Buddhism tells us that suffering is a part of life. The second tells us this suffering in increased by our clinging to pleasure and being adverse to pain. The third reminds us that while we cannot control the things that happen to us, that cause us pain, we can control our responses. The fourth Noble Truth points us to the Eightfold Path as a way to do so.

When I first learned of the Noble Truths I felt a great relief. 

If suffering is supposed to be a part of life, then I could relax in my quest to overcome it, run from it, or numb it. Perhaps, I could just sit with the suffering that was present and look for the areas in my life where I could lessen the pain by reducing my clinging to pleasure or trying to escape the pain.

Getting comfortable with my own discomfort also allowed me to become more accepting of other peoples discomfort.

I used to try to cheer people up and “fix” their pain. Doing so sent the message that their feelings were bad or wrong and hindered them from learning to fully experience the evolution of their feelings.

As someone who naturally gravitates towards perfectionism and people pleasing learning to sit with my suffering and to allow others to sit with theirs has been one of the biggest and most rewarding learning curves of my life.

Everyday it is an ongoing practice.

I’d love for you to learn more about the Noble Truths if they seem intriguing to you. One of my favorite resources is the Against The Stream podcast, which you can find for free here.

Some of the Dharma talks, meditations, and conversations on Against The Stream are led by one of my dear teachers, Noah Levine, and others are led by other teachers that have been studying and sharing teachings on Dharma seriously for many years. I always learn something when listening, or experience a welcome shift in perspective.

Please let me know how you are applying these concepts in your life.

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Much love,

Katie